Being a One Car Family

One cost-cutting measure I've seen recommended numerous times is becoming a one car family. Ugh. Every time I saw someone make that suggestion, I cringed. I vowed that would never happen in our family. I'm sure part of my thinking came from my grandmother, who had her own car despite the fact that she almost never drove. Cutting back to one car just seemed too radical.

I started to think a little differently when we moved at the beginning of this year. Instead of being 20 miles away from work, my commute is about 0.4 miles. In other words, I can walk to work, home for lunch, back to work, and back home in less time than it took me to drive to work before. Do we really need another car when I'm that close? Even if the weather conditions make it unsafe for me to walk, it wouldn't be too inconvenient for a coworker to give me a ride. In fact, three people offered to take me home one day when it was snowing.

I still resisted the idea of going down to one car. I wanted to at least have the option to drive. But two weeks ago, Nathan's car died. Completely died. There's still a chance it could be fixed, even though we've been advised not to put another dime into it, but so far we haven't messed with it. Nathan has been driving my car to work, and I've walked every day, even in rain and snow. And guess what? It hasn't been that bad. Will we buy a replacement car? Maybe..maybe not. It will of course be necessary when we move or if I change jobs, but for now, one car is actually okay.

There are several advantages of not having a second car and walking to work...

• I'm forced to get some exercise.
• The walk to work makes me much more awake and ready to start my work day.
• I can't go buy fast food for lunch (at least not on my own).
• I sometimes see geese, ducks, and killdeer on my commute.  
• We save money on gas, even if not a lot. 
• If we do get rid of the second car, we'll save on insurance and maintenance. 

And the disadvantages?

• I don't feel like jogging when I get home. (I do walk another mile with Nenya though.)
• If Nathan has car trouble, I can't go pick him up.
• I can't run errands during lunch.
• It's not easy to go to doctor's appointments, although I found a dentist right by work.
• People think I'm weird. Walking commutes are rare in the suburbs I guess.
• I don't like inconveniencing people, so I hate asking for rides.

We aren't sure what to do about our car situation for the time being, but at least I know we can survive with one car.


Are you, or have you ever been, a one car family? If not, would you ever want to be one?


 

Rethinking Gift Giving

 

When I received flowers at work last month, several people asked me if it was my anniversary. It wasn't; my anniversary wasn't for another week and a half. And no, Nathan hadn't sent them early worrying that he would forget our anniversary either. It was just his way of thanking me for my patience during a not so fun time.

On our actual anniversary, we didn't exchange gifts at all, unless you count the balloons and cake I bought for Nathan's graduation party. We didn't give each other gifts on Valentine's Day either. Is it because we don't care about each other? No. We just don't give gifts based solely on the calendar.

Early in our marriage, I came home to find a wrapped gift on the bed. I had no idea what it was or why Nathan had gotten it for me. It turned out to be a new hair dryer. I was having issues with my old one, so he just went out and bought a new one, and a nice one at that! Although I don't do as much random gift giving, as an incentive for Nathan to focus on his classes, I bought him a season of J.A.G. on DVD for each "A" he earned.

Gifts and special occasions don't have to go hand in hand, as long as you and your spouse are on the same page. If your spouse's love language is receiving gifts, they may feel differently. Dr. Gary Chapman says that "a missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous" for one of these people. But Nathan and I both rank receiving gifts as our least significant love language. Gifts are nice, but we don't need them to feel loved or to make our holiday feel complete. And they're a lot more fun when they're unexpected.

 What's your take on gift giving?

Marriage Doesn't Give You Every Right

Even though Nathan and I are supposed to be one unit, it turns out there are some things we can't do for each other. When Nathan received a check from his grandma for his birthday, he gave it to me to take care of. I had him sign the back of it and then took it to the bank to cash it. After handing the check to the teller, she asked,

"Who's Nathan?"
"That's my husband."
"Okay, well he would need to come in to be able to cash it."
"Really? Even though we're on the same account?"
"Uh-huh."
"Uh...can I just deposit then?"
"Sure!"

I realize policies are policies, but I was still caught off guard. All I have to do to take money out of our account is fill out a withdrawal slip; I've never even been asked for an ID. But cashing a check made out to my husband? Apparently that's stealing.

Have you run into any surprises about what you can't do for your spouse?

Dreaming of Summer

 
I honestly enjoy all four seasons, but there comes a time each winter when I'm absolutely sick of it and ready for some warm weather!

And after my car freezing to the ground at the beginning this month and the teaser of nice weather we had a few days last week, that time has come a little earlier than normal. For a few days I refused to wear my winter coat, but I decided that was a little crazy when it's snowing.

So let's talk warm weather. Between the wedding planning and moving and getting settled last summer, I didn't have time to enjoy the weather as much as I would have liked. This year, Nathan is finishing his MBA in the middle of June and taking two months off from school before working on a couple graduate certificates. In other words, we'll actually have lots of free time!

Here are a few things I'm looking forward to doing...
...Eating on the balcony
...Walking outside without a coat
...Taking long walks with Nenya
...Going camping
...Not scraping frost off my windshield
...Wearing flip-flops
...Getting a bike and going on rides with Nathan
...Visiting some parks (We haven't even explored much of the park where we were married)
...Digging my pretty skirts out from the back of my closet
...Walking places - to the library, to an ice cream shop with Nathan, wherever

 And a few of Nathan's summer plans that don't directly involve me...
...Taking a swimming and/or first aid class
...Doing some training for local triathalons
...Finding an agility course for Nenya

How about you? What are you looking forward to doing when weather is warmer?

Being a Good Wife

Three words I love to hear while cooking dinner are "Something smells good!" Last night, what I heard was "Something smells funky!" Needless to say, it wasn't the best meal I'd ever cooked. And after spending the weekend out of town and having a date night on Monday, I was also way behind on my cleaning.

I wasn't feeling like a very good wife.

I looked at all of the empty boxes on my check list, trying to decide where to begin, before finally sitting down next to Nathan on the love seat to read a magazine while he studied. Although sometimes I feel like a failure if I relax, I realized relaxing with my husband would be just the opposite.

"And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." - Genesis 2:18

A help meet...an assistant...someone to help with all the work that needed to be done in that garden...that's how I've always thought about this passage. But I think it's important to remember the first part of this verse: It is not good that the man should be alone. I don't know about Adam, but I know that Nathan cares a lot more about the time I spend talking to him and just being with him than the time I spend doing chores. He just wants a companion, someone to keep him from being alone.

Early in our relationship, Nathan and I read The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women by Gary and Barbara Rosberg. According to their research, companionship is a man's third biggest need from his wife, right behind unconditional love and sexual intimacy. Nathan ranked it fifth among the list of twenty options, and he put domestic help as #19!

Maybe the "perfect wife" is an expert chef who has a spotless home, but I need to quit trying to be her and just be Nathan's wife.

Living on One Income

It might seem somewhat odd that I would read a book called Half-Price Living: Secrets to Living Well on One Income when we currently have two incomes and no plans of changing that in the near future. But I figure any advice on how to live well on one income applies just as well to people with two incomes, and we never know if life will go the way we plan. As Ellie Kay says in her book, "I dreamed of becoming a CEO for a major corporation in an effort to 'be' somebody...I found that the dreams God dreams for us are better than the dreams we dream for ourselves."

This is not a book telling you that you must live on one income because it's a woman's job to stay home with her children but rather a book of advice and encouragement for those women who want to stay home. She gives 7 steps to create a stay-at-home-mom and offers tips on topics like cutting your grocery bill in half, buying a home, and retirement planning. One thing I learned from this book that really struck me was that as many as half of a grocery store's weekly sales are unadvertised. I knew some deals were unadvertised, but half? I guess I need to look up from my grocery list more often.

While I did learn some things, I felt like the content of the book was a little disappointing. With less than 20 pages a chapter and a total of 168 pages, there aren't a whole lot of details on each topic; it's more of a starting point to further studying. And although it might be true that some moms who quit their jobs will automatically save money on things like childcare, wardrobe updates, transportation, lunches at work, or trips to the beauty salon, that wouldn't be much of a cost saver for me. I know childcare is an expense I don't have to consider now, but I almost always bring a lunch to work and don't think I would spend much less on clothing or haircuts if I weren't working outside the home. The only real money saver would be gas. Also, some of her money-saving tips, like house swapping to save money on vacations, just aren't things I would want to do.

After finishing this book, I didn't really feel any more convinced than I was before that being a stay-at-home-mom would work for me. The book gives general advice on a broad spectrum of topics, but it wasn't anything life changing. However, reading this book did lead to a discussion with Nathan about how soon we can be debt free and have a down payment for a house with our current income. We basically decided that there’s no reason I couldn’t be a stay-at-home mom if I want to be, but the question is do I really want to. I can’t imagine giving up graphic design altogether, and although I could theoretically work from home, I don’t know how much designing I could do with a baby. We’ll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Marriage Musings

I (Nathan) have intended to post on the blog for quite a while but either could not decide on a topic or simply never get around to it. However, I chose to start by writing my thoughts about a blog post Amanda came across a few days ago expressing how hard marriage is.

Granted we've all heard this and I do understand that marriage has its challenges but neither of us feel it has really been that difficult. We were surprised to see so many comments wholeheartedly agreeing with the post. I have never had second thoughts or doubts about my marriage, and in fact have had many reassurances simply through things Amanda has done or said that make me love her even more. We sincerely enjoy being together and spending time with each other and haven't had any real fights. I don't know that there's any magic formula or secret key that we can point to, but it seems to me that in today's society so many couples spend most of their time preparing for the wedding rather than preparing for the marriage.

Sometimes people just don't know each other well enough or long enough before committing. I think the focus shouldn't be so much on an arbitrary amount of time passing but instead on whether you've experienced a variety of life circumstances together. Almost anyone can be happy and pleasant when times are good, but how does your partner react when times are rough? For us there were many trials and stress including college, unemployment, moving, miserable job, extreme financial hardship, and death of grandparents. These situations ultimately strengthened our love and commitment to each other. You also need to ensure you are on the same page about various viewpoints and aspects of life as well as any expectations (assumed or real). It would be very difficult to be in a close relationship with someone who does not feel the same way about issues as you do. This of course requires communication and time.

Despite the stereotypes we are constantly bombarded with, everyone is different. Not too long before my wedding a close family friend mentioned "you don't need to learn about women, you only need to learn about Amanda." This advice has stuck with me and illustrates the point that you must learn what is (and is not) important to your spouse. One way to do so is to read (and discuss) books together. Regarding this specific topic, I recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman which explains how to express love in the particular way that is meaningful to your partner, and The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women by Gary and Barbara Rosberg which explores several love needs and also provides a list of twenty needs to rank in importance to you.

Additionally, I believe there is some wrong by both partners (though not necessarily equal) in almost every relationship fight or problem (even including affairs). We are so quick to point fingers, but most of us neglect to look at ourselves first. Using the example of the fight about trash given in the post, the husband is wrong for not recognizing and fulfilling his wife's need and the wife is wrong for blowing it out of proportion and for how she addressed the issue. There are always two sides to every situation. A tip I read in a book once which I have never forgotten is "seek to understand before being understood." This is such a simple yet profound and challenging concept. When you get in a disagreement or fight, is your motive to truly understand your spouse and thus improve your relationship or is it really to push your own desires and defend your viewpoint? I have always held that the definition of true love is self-sacrifice. Are you going to make your spouse your top priority and put their needs above your own? Are you willing to put aside the TV or computer or whatever it may be in order to give your spouse your undivided attention and address their concern(s)? This is a hard goal as we all are by nature selfish, but one I continually strive for.

Just to be clear, my point in writing this post is not to brag but simply to provide a different perspective by sharing my observations and possibly help others who are currently in relationships.

To Move, or Not to Move?

When we went apartment hunting back in January of last year, we were originally looking for a place where Nathan could stay for 6 months. Then, when we were married, we would get a two bedroom apartment somewhere about halfway in between my work and Nathan's. However, every apartment we looked at charged so much extra for a 6 month lease, or even transferring to a two bedroom apartment halfway through the lease term, that we decided it would be best to just get a 12 month lease for a two bedroom apartment. I figured I could handle a 20 mile commute for 6 months until we could move somewhere in between. Well, those 6 months have passed, so we're now free to move...or not move.

Reasons to Move

• As I mentioned, I drive 20 miles both ways to work. It could be worse, but that's still 5 hours a week (or more) spent in the car.
• We don't have a washer and dryer in our unit, or even hookups. The apartment laundry facility is far enough away that I can't walk there while carrying two loads of laundry, so it's a hassle. And a lot of quarters.
• We have limited counter space and extremely limited cabinet space. I know this is typical of most apartments, but my last apartment had a pantry that could hold all the food I had and more. 
• Since we live on the second story, it's a little inconvenient to let Nenya out. The residents in the first story apartments here have a small fenced-in area and can just open the door for their dogs. (There were no first story apartments available when Nathan moved in.)
• Parking can be a bit limited at times. The apartment I had in college was much worse (I once parked in the only available spot in the entire complex, a visitor spot, and got ticketed), but sometimes it can be difficult to find a spot.

Reasons to stay put

• Moving isn't fun, especially in January. Just look at how Nathan's move went last year. Renting a U-Haul is a bit of an expense, but the time involved is the worst part. After living in 4 different places in the past 2 years, I'm not in a hurry to move again.
• Other than being 30 minutes away from work for me, we're in an excellent location. Nathan gets to work in about 10 minutes. We're also really close to multiple grocery stores, other shopping, a library, and a fantastic walking/biking trial.
• Our apartment complex pays the gas bill. We have a gas furnace, water heater, and stove, so that's huge, especially this time of year.
• We have plenty of square footage in a layout that works for us. All our furniture fits without it feeling the least bit crammed. We have a living area long enough to basically be divided into the living room, office, and dining room, and it doesn't even look that weird.
• Finally, the price. Our rent, including the pet fee, gas, water, and trash is around 15% of our take home pay, and all the slightly nicer places I've seen would cost a lot more. While we could afford to spend more, it's nice having the extra money to attack our debt with a vengeance.

Can you tell what we decided? What would you do?

2010

I can't believe it's new Year's Eve, not only because of how fast this year has flown by but because of how warm it's been today. Nathan, Nenya, and I took an hour and a half walk today. Nathan cooked us an amazing dinner tonight of sirloin steak (my employer sent Omaha Steaks for Christmas) and potatoes. It's been a great last day of 2010.

We've had quite a year.

At the beginning of 2010, I was newly engaged and started some serious wedding planning. 

Early in January, Nathan moved closer to me and started a new job.

On February 14, I lost my grandmother

Spring was a blur, but somehow during that time we managed to plan a wedding.

We got married the first Saturday in summer.

We took our first vacation together.

We struggled to make Nathan's apartment a home for both of us.

I tried to learn how to cook, and got a little too ambitious at times. 

About a month into our marriage, Nathan lost his job.

In August, he found a better job than the one he'd had.

We started Financial Peace University in September.

I got better and better at saving money on groceries.

We decorated our first Christmas tree together.

My cousin got engaged, and I got to try on bridesmaid's dresses for the first time.

I'm looking forward to all the new adventures 2011 will bring for us!


Thanks to all of you who have read this blog during its first year. Improving the content of my posts and the frequency of my posting are both goals for 2011, so I hope you'll keep reading!

How I Became a Dog Person

Two years ago today, a dog belonging to one of Nathan's friends gave birth to a litter of puppies. As soon as Nathan saw them, he wanted to get one. "I picked out a really cute one!" he told me. I thought this was a ridiculous idea. How was he going to take care of a dog when he was unemployed and could barely afford to take care of himself?

Then, on December 23rd of that year, Nathan had one of the worst days of his life. But the thing is, when I talked to him later that evening, he actually sounded happy - I couldn't believe it! What made him so happy that night was that he got to play with his cousin's dog. Most of our phone conversation was about what the dog was doing. I realized at that point, He needs to get a dog.

I still had my doubts though. Aside from the money issues, I had never really been much of a dog person. And then I saw pictures of her.

How could I tell him not to adopt her?

I held her in my lap as Nathan drove her back to his apartment. She was shaking from fear and the cold.

Once we got her to her new home, she was fine. And so was I.

Nenya became my personal trainer...

My yoga instructor...

My study buddy...

And a good friend.

I had known Nathan less than 4 months when he got Nenya. Although we were confident we would be together forever, we of course couldn't be certain. I used to joke with Nathan that I would fight for joint custody of Nenya if we did break up. I would have lost for sure since Nenya will always obey Nathan over me, but I'm so glad that never has to happen.

Happy birthday, Nenya! Thanks for showing me how amazing dogs can be!

10 "Shocking Secrets"

I found this article about "10 Shocking Secrets of the First Year of Marriage." We're a third of the way into our first year, but I wanted to compare our experiences so far with the article's claims.

This has nothing to do with anything.

 

Claim #1: You'll gain a little love weight.
I have gained a few pounds, but when we got married I was at the lowest weight I'd been in my adult life. If I start exercising again on a regular basis, the weight will come off. I definitely don't want a few pounds to turn into creeping obesity.

Claim #2: Your B-list buds will go MIA.
We weren't really going out for "Friday-night drinks" as the article says before we were married either. Neither of us went to high school or college in this city, so we don't have a lot of friends here to hang out with. We've seen more of Nathan's friends than mine since getting married. I need to make some road trips to change that.

Claim #3: After the honeymoon and a happy homecoming, life can turn, well...a bit PG
Well, there are these things called jobs and responsibilities you have to go back to doing after the honeymoon.

Claim #4: You won't unpack your china for six months.
I don't have China. I have some boxes of stuff we need to take to Goodwill, but I've unpacked everything I planned to unpack. I never really intended to have an "idyllic space" here, but I do fantasize about what I'll do with a house when we have one.

Claim #5: You'll do the dishes; your husband will fix stuff — you fall into clichéd roles
We do what works for us. As I mentioned previously, I do most of the house work because that's what seems fair right now. When Nathan had a short spell of unemployment, he was doing the dishes.

Claim #6: Even though you'll have two paychecks, you'll still feel broke.
This makes no sense to me. I guess our situation is kind of unique since our combined income is much, much higher than it was a year ago and we have fewer expenses. However, I definitely don't feel rich by any means since we have debt.

Claim #7: You won't want to spend every moment with your new husband.
I enjoy every moment I'm able to spend with him. We did end up spending a weekend apart a couple months ago, which I didn't think would happen so soon in our marriage, but we each had things we needed to do in different states so that's just how it worked out.

Claim #8: You'll go to bed mad, even though you vowed not to—ever.
This hasn't happened. We've had some conflict, but we take as long as we need to resolve it.
 
Claim #9: Being a wife won't mean you'll instantly have skills worthy of an Iron Chef.
Actually, I've been shocked by how much my cooking skills have improved. I was convinced I couldn't cook, but I guess I just needed someone to cook for to motivate me to actually try.

Claim #10: The world will feel like a better place.
I'd have to agree with that one. If marriage makes your life worse, there's probably a problem.

This article wasn't all that shocking or profound. I might make a list of some more substantial things I've learned about being married.
 
Any other "shocking secrets" to add? 
 

Another Perspective on Gnocchi

Today, two days after my less than excellent experience making gnocchi, I came across this blog entry about making gnocchi with kids. Wow, they sure make it look fun!

"The process is easy enough for you to involve very young kids, is a fun sensory experience (mashing, mixing, rolling!) and makes a wholesome dinner that the whole family can share." 

Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said never. I still don't want to make it again anytime soon and definitely won't try to fix it after coming home from work again, but maybe someday.

Change your name and pay?

I recently read a post on Weddingbee that referenced this article about women taking their husband's names. According to a recent study, "women using their husbands’ last names are...judged as more dependent and less ambitious than women who keep their maiden names — but also as more kind and caring. More alarmingly, members of the Mrs. league earn nearly $1,500 less per month."


I'd really like to know what kind of people were involved in this study. Growing up in a smallish town in Indiana, I encountered few women who had kept their maiden names and was a teenager before I even realized that some women go back to their maiden names after they divorce. For me, changing my name when I get married was never something that needed to be debated. I want to have the same name as my husband and children. I realize sometimes husbands take their wives' names, and other couples create a new name, but the traditional method works for me. 

I'm really not worried about the negative impact that it could have on my career. I'm not a doctor or lawyer and have only been out of college for a year, so it's not as if I've built that much of a name for myself. Also, if I were to make $1,500 less a month than what I currently make, well, let's not even go there.

The only thing I'll miss about my maiden name is how unique it is. All but one of the Google results for my name are actually about me; my name is literally one in a billion. But I also don't necessarily like how easy it is to find information about me. When I was a freshman, a reporter for my college newspaper randomly asked me questions, and you can still find the quote I gave her. No one needs to read that.

I think I'll take my chances and change my name. If that makes me less ambitious, I'm fine with that. And if the only thing employers look at on my resume is my name, then I'm not sure I want to work for them.

Is/was whether or not to change your name a big decision for you?

Are you a grownup?

 

I was taking Nenya for a walk one day last weekend when a little girl came running towards us asking if she could pet her. I knelt down to get Nenya to relax, and she rolled onto her back and let the girl rub her belly. After we stood back up, she asked,

"Are you a grownup?"
"I suppose you could say that," I answered.
"Huh? Are you a grownup, or are you a teenager?"
"Well, I'm 23 and I have a job, so I guess you could call me a grownup."
She thought about this for a moment before deciding, "You're a teenager."
"Oh, okay, that's good to know."
"But you're a young adult!"

It was a funny experience, but it made me realize that I really don't feel like a "grownup." Ten, even five years ago, I would have thought that at age 23 with a real job and a fiance I would feel like a grownup, but I really don't. Maybe getting married and living with my husband will make a difference, but I'm not sure that it will. Maybe I'll feel like a grownup when I have a baby, maybe when my first child starts school...but maybe not. I kind of wish I'd asked that girl what would make me a grownup.

Do you feel like a grownup? At what point did you start to feel that way?

What's the point?

The average wedding in America costs $20,000. What really scares me about this is that I know there are people like us with much smaller budgets, so there have to be people on the other end of the spectrum spending much more in order to balance out that average.

(Check out this infographic for more statistics)

You may have realized this by now, but an extravagant wedding just isn't for me. Even if I had $20,000 to spend, I can't imagine spending it all on one day. Rebecca Adams, director of the Family and Child Program at Ball State University, says, "People may spend $20,000 to $30,000 planning a wedding, but they will bark or resist premarital counseling or something that might make their marriage last." (Source)


Why?


What's the point of investing all of this money towards the ceremony and reception when you don't invest any time towards creating a strong foundation for your marriage? Nathan and I will have at least 5 sessions of premarital counseling before our wedding. I'm not saying that any couple that doesn't go through premarital counseling is doomed to divorce, but I can't imagine going into a marriage without at least having some serious discussions with each other about every aspect of your future together.


No matter her the budget is, I think any bride can get caught up in the planning process and forget the true purpose of the wedding, so I've really tried my best not to do that. Sometimes I feel like wedding planning is my only hobby these days. I enjoy it, but I enjoy spending time with Nathan even more. I try my best to focus the majority of my time on building a stronger relationship with him and becoming a good wife. 


Our guests probably won't think that our wedding is the fanciest that they've ever attended, but hopefully they'll appreciate all the work that we've put into it. And more than anything, I want them to see that we're committed to each other and to putting in the work it takes to have a healthy marriage.

The fancy dress, the decorations, the food - as much as I'm looking forward to it, all I want is to be able to spend every day with the man I love. (And his dog too.)